There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
