People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
