Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
