I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Randomize
