What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
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