I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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