I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
