i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
