Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
