I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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