The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
