M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
