Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We were destined to go to rehab together
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
