i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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