at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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