I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Randomize
