She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
