dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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