Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
