Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Randomize
