my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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