I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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