Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
