Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
honey bunches of taint.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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