If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
