Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
