Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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