I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
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