somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
