Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
