I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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