drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
