do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
