highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
