I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
