i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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