I wish I could teleport
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
