sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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