Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
