So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
