maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
