somebody snuck up and got me drunk
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
