If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
