remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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