I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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