You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
