in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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