My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
it was like eating out sand paper
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Randomize
