i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
