I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
