When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
