He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
